In my last post, I mentioned the idea of creating a self-care and coping skills toolkit – something you can reach for when you’re having a hard time.
In a series of upcoming posts, I want to explore that more deeply, because having a variety of coping skills and self-care strategies that you know feel good to you is one of the most supportive things you can do for your nervous system and mental health. Taking responsibility for your own needs and well-being is a daily practice that not only supports you during a crisis, but also improves your overall quality of life.
What is a coping skills toolkit?
A coping skills toolkit is a personalized collection of tools, practices, and resources you can use to regulate your nervous system and manage stress, overwhelm, or shutdown.
Most of us wait until we’re in crisis to try and figure out how to feel better.
But here’s the truth:
Coping works best when it’s been built and practiced in calm moments, not chaotic ones. Then, when you’re in the middle of a tough moment, a hard day, or even a difficult season, you’ll have tools already within reach—ones your body and nervous system recognize.
Because when you’re really struggling, it can be hard to think of anything that might help. This isn’t because “there’s something wrong with you.” It is literally due to our biology—the part of our brain that thinks plans and strategizes isn’t fully activated, making it harder to think clearly when we’re distressed.
It’s hard to remember what helps when your brain is foggy or your body is overwhelmed.
Having a pre-prepared toolkit gives you a menu of options to choose from, making it easier to reach for a helpful coping strategy in the hard moments.
And no—there’s not always a magic fix. But if something helps even 1% or 5%, that’s still movement in a helpful direction.
In this series, I’ll help you build your own coping skills toolkit, organized by how your nervous system feels:
You’ll also find:
- Grounding practices
- Music tips
- A list of what not to reach for when you’re dysregulated
- Tips to Give and Receive Support Through Connection with Others
How to Build Your Coping Skills Toolkit for Different Nervous System States
One powerful way to approach your coping toolkit is to tailor it to different nervous system states. When you’re feeling shut down and numb, you’ll need different tools than when you’re anxious, agitated, or overstimulated.
This idea is rooted in the Polyvagal Theory, and there’s a great exercise by Deb Dana that I often share with clients. She invites us to explore what helps in each state, including activities we can do on our own as well as activities we can do with others.
There’s no shame in needing help to get through the hard moments. Having a coping toolkit doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means you’re wise.
The Three Main Nervous System States
To build an effective coping toolkit, it helps to understand the three primary nervous system states as described by Polyvagal Theory:
- Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown)
This state can feel like numbness, depression, fatigue, or disconnection. You might feel like giving up, isolating, or like you’re just going through the motions. It’s your nervous system’s way of going into “power-save mode” when it feels like nothing will help. - Sympathetic (Fight or Flight)
This is the state of activation and urgency. You might feel anxious, restless, angry, irritable, overwhelmed, or like everything is too much. Your body is preparing to act—whether by fighting or escaping. - Ventral Vagal (Safety and Connection)
This is the state we’re aiming to support and return to. It’s where you feel safe, open, calm, and connected. From this place, you can reflect, problem-solve, and connect with others in meaningful ways.
Each of these states needs a different kind of support. What soothes you in a shutdown state probably won’t help when you’re buzzing with anxiety—and that’s why we’ll organize your toolkit accordingly.
Key Categories to Include in Your Toolkit
While the specific tools will vary from person to person, there are a few broad categories I recommend including:
- Grounding Practices
These help you come back to the present moment and reconnect with your body when you’re feeling overwhelmed or disconnected. This could be as simple as touching something textured, using your senses, or practicing a breathing exercise. - Music & Sound
Music is incredibly regulating—and different kinds of music can help in different states. I’ll share tips on creating playlists that soothe, energize, or calm you based on how you’re feeling. - Co-Regulation
Sometimes we can’t regulate alone—and we’re not meant to. This includes ways to connect with others (or even pets) to receive calm from someone else’s nervous system. - Daily Rituals
Simple, repetitive activities that you do regularly—like making tea, journaling, or going for a walk—can provide a sense of stability, predictability, and care. These rituals are often most effective when practiced regularly, not just in moments of distress. - What Not to Reach For
Some things feel good in the moment but leave us feeling worse afterward. I’ll help you get curious about those habits, with compassion—not shame.
What’s Next?
In upcoming posts, I’ll guide you through building your coping toolkit step-by-step, including:
- What to reach for when you feel shut down
- Tools to help when you’re anxious or agitated
- Practices that help you maintain regulation and connection
- Ideas for grounding, music, rituals, and more
- How to take care of yourself through conflict and hard conversations
- Auditing your coping strategies
- A compassionate look at less helpful coping strategies
You don’t have to figure this all out in the middle of a crisis. Let’s start building your toolkit now—so you have what you need when you need it most.
Regulate and Restore: Small Group Opportunity
If you’d like support building your nervous system awareness and learning what helps you feel safe, connected, and empowered—join me for my 4-week group: Regulate & Restore. Contact me to join the interest list for the next group.
In this small, supportive group, we’ll explore:
- How understanding and attuning to your nervous system can transform your everyday life
- What shutdown, anxiety, and calm actually feel like in your body
- Your unique triggers—and the glimmers that bring you back online
- How to create a personalized coping toolkit for each nervous system state
This group is designed to help you move from overwhelm to understanding—and build a sustainable path toward nervous system resilience. Read more about it here.
Email me at christinarusell.lpc@gmail.com to join the interest list.