Do you ever find yourself spiraling into frustration or anxiety and then feeling ashamed or exhausted afterward? There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re in a stress state known as fight or flight, and there are ways to calm your fight or flight response and return to steadiness.
I’ll share my humanness with a personal example of fight or flight activation in daily life:
When I come home from a late evening of seeing clients, tired and ready to unwind, only to find a sink full of dishes, cluttered countertops, and my family relaxing on the couch, it can hit me hard. My dogs are bouncing with energy, the mess feels overwhelming, and suddenly my sympathetic nervous system is in full gear. I can quickly spiral into snappy anger, agitation, and passive aggressive cleaning (yep, I’ll admit to banging dishes into the dishwasher as loud as possible on occasion!). Not my best self but totally human.
We all get derailed sometimes. These moments are why having real, usable coping strategies matter.
Why You Need a Coping Skills Toolkit to Calm Your Fight-or-Flight Response
A few weeks ago, I introduced the idea of a coping skills toolkit, personalized strategies to support you when you’re overwhelmed, flooded, or disconnected. Last week, I talked about how to support yourself when you’re feeling withdrawn or shutdown (the dorsal vagal nervous system state). In this post, we’re focusing on developing coping strategies for the sympathetic state—the fight-or-flight response that comes with stress, anxiety, and anger.
When you’re activated, it’s hard to think clearly or remember what helps. That’s why preparing in advance matters.
It’s not a personal failing. It’s human biology.
Think of it your coping skills toolkit as a menu of real-life ways to shift out of reactivity and calm down, reset, and feel like yourself again.
If you’re tired of spiraling into stress or snapping when you don’t mean to, join my small group, Regulate & Restore, and build your own personalized nervous system toolkit. Learn more here . Contact me to join the waitlist for the next group.
What Happens During Fight or Flight: Understanding the Sympathetic State
The sympathetic state mobilizes your body for action. This is your “fight or flight” response, your system’s way of trying to protect you from real or perceived threat.
What it can feel like:
- Racing thoughts or trouble concentrating
- A sense of urgency
- Irritability or agitation
- Restlessness, tension, or a pounding heart
What might trigger it:
- Conflict
- Deadlines
- Sensory overload
- Fear of failure, judgment, or making a mistake
- Old trauma that gets stirred up
These patterns don’t mean you’re broken. They’re nervous system responses, and you can learn to work with them.
How to Build and Use a Toolkit to Calm Your Fight-or-Flight Response
When your nervous system is in a stress state, it can be hard to remember what helps. The key to effective self-care is learning to tune into your body in the moment and sense what you need. But having a list at the ready means you’re never starting from scratch. That’s why it’s so important to build your toolkit before you’re overwhelmed—so you have it ready when you need it most.
A good toolkit is personalized and flexible. It includes strategies you can use alone and with others, and it supports both releasing excess energy and soothing your system. Think of it as a menu you can choose from based on how you’re feeling in the moment.
Tip: Write down your list in a phone note or snap a photo of a handwritten version so it’s easy to find when your mind is too scattered to think clearly.
This approach is rooted in Polyvagal Theory and inspired by the work of Deb Dana and Stephen Porges. It honors the reality that your body’s reactions are not personal flaws but are instead protective patterns. And they can be worked with.
You don’t have to power through or stay stuck in reactivity. You deserve real support, and that starts with knowing what helps you come back to center.
First : Tune Into What You Need
Before choosing a coping strategy, take a moment to check in with yourself.
Ask:
- Do I need to release some of this built-up energy?
- Do I need to soothe my nervous system and settle down?
- Or do I need a little of both?
Once you’ve checked in, scroll through the following categories of tools to see what resonates. Let this list help you brainstorm your own coping strategies. There’s no perfect formula—just start where you are and let your body guide you.
If this post supports you, bookmark it or share it with someone who might need it.
Releasing Energy: Discharge the Tension
These strategies help you let out the “charge” that’s built up in your body, so it doesn’t come out sideways. They’re great for anger, restlessness, and irritability.
Move Your Body
- Brisk walking, dancing, or jumping jacks
- Lift weights or do bodyweight exercises
- Literally shake your arms, legs, or torso to release energy
- Push against a wall or the floor with your hands or feet
Make Noise
- Hum, sigh, make guttural sounds, growl, sing, yell into a pillow
- Stomp your feet or drum your hands on a surface
Cool Down the Body
- Rinse your face or wrists with cold water
- Rub an ice cube along your arms or back of your neck
- Step outside into the fresh air
Do Something Active with Purpose
- Clean, declutter, organize—put the energy into something productive
- Journal in a “fast and unfiltered” way to get the swirl out of your mind
- Throw ice cubes into a concrete or brick wall for a safe release
- Try EFT tapping to move your anger and calm your nervous system through acupressure
Self-Soothing Tools to Calm Your Fight-or-Flight Response
Once you’ve released the energy (or if your body is already too wound up to move), try gentle grounding activities.
Breath-Based Practices
- Box or square breathing: inhale 4 counts, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4
- 4-7-8 breathing for anxiety relief: inhale 4 counts, hold 7, exhale 8
- Breathe with one hand on your heart and one on your belly. Feel the rise and fall as you breathe.
Sensory Grounding
- Take a shower or bath
- Walk barefoot on the grass
- Light a candle or use calming essential oils
For even more grounding ideas, read this post.
Regulating With Others
Sometimes you need co-regulation, the calming presence of another person (or pet).
Soothing with Others
- Sip calming tea with someone safe
- Ask for a 20-second hug (syncing breath is even more powerful)
- Cuddle with a pet or a loved one
- Share a nourishing meal or prepare one together
Active Discharge with Others
- Call a friend and ask to vent or talk it out
- Go for a walk or hike
- Play a light-hearted physical game (frisbee, catch, ping-pong)
- Do a messy art project together—paint, sculpt, build
- Ask someone to join you in a physical task (rearranging furniture, yard work, etc.)
Affirmations to Calm the Fight or Flight Response: Nervous System-Friendly Self-Talk
The way we talk to ourselves can make a huge difference, especially when we’re overwhelmed. In a fight-or-flight state, it’s easy to spiral into thoughts that intensify distress, like:
- No one cares about me.
- My life is awful.
- I hate everyone.
- I can’t deal with this.
- I’m a mess.
These thoughts aren’t always conscious, but they can keep our nervous system activated and our bodies on high alert.
The good news is you can begin to shift your state by gently shifting your self-talk. Sometimes, all it takes is one calming sentence to help soothe and regulate your nervous system.
Use the affirmations below like anchors. You can speak them aloud, repeat them silently, or write them by hand—whatever helps them land.
You don’t have to believe every thought your stress response tells you. Just because it feels true doesn't mean it is.
Self-Talk to Calm the Sympathetic State:
- “I am safe in this moment.”
- “This feeling will pass.”
- “I don’t have to do it all right now.”
- “It’s okay to take a break.”
- “I don’t need to do it all perfectly.”
- “I can return to center.”
Final Tips
- You can combine categories—take a walk (movement) while repeating a calming affirmation (self-soothing).
- Not every tool will work every time. That’s okay. Keep experimenting.
- The more you practice on “okay” days, the easier it becomes to access these tools on the harder ones.
For more on applying nervous system regulation in real-life situations, like during difficult conversations or emotionally charged moments, check out my latest post: Regulate Your Nervous System Before Conflict.
How Music Can Help Calm Your Fight-or-Flight Response
Music is one of the most powerful tools for nervous system support. Whether you’re trying to calm your fight-or-flight response or lift yourself out of shutdown, music is one of the most accessible ways to shift your state.
Personally, music is one of my go-to coping strategies.
- When I’m agitated or “overcharged,” I put on intense music that matches my mood and sing, move, or dance it out.
- When I’m anxious or fearful, calming playlists help soothe my system and settle my body.
Your nervous system is specific, and it knows what it wants. Let it guide you toward the music that feels “just right” in the moment.
Try creating playlists for different emotional states:
- Sad
- Angry
- Stressed or agitated
- Calming and centering
- Grounded and peaceful
- Hopeful
- Playful and fun
Tip: Start by matching your music to your current mood, then gradually shift toward the mood you want to feel.
Want More Support?
If you’re tired of feeling overwhelmed, emotionally reactive, or disconnected from yourself, you’re not alone and you’re not broken. These are nervous system patterns, and they can be supported.
I invite you to join me for a small group opportunity, Regulate and Restore. Contact me to join the waitlist for the next group.
In this 4-week small group, you’ll:
✔ Learn to recognize your unique stress patterns
✔ Discover what helps you feel safe and grounded
✔ Build your own coping toolkit with personalized practices
✔ Explore ways to return to steadiness and connection
✔ Connect with others in a safe, compassionate space
Click here to learn more and reserve your spot.
Or email me at christinarusell.lpc@gmail.com to join the interest list.
You deserve to feel grounded and steady—even when life gets chaotic. Whether it’s through this blog or the Regulate & Restore group, I hope you’ll take the next step to support your nervous system in the ways it truly needs.
Join the Regulate & Restore Small Group to Reclaim Balance.