In previous posts, I walked you through building a coping skills toolkit with strategies to regulate your nervous system both on your own and with others. In this post, we’ll focus specifically on improving your co-regulation strategies and learning how to get your needs met through connection.
We are wired for connection, but many of us struggle to get the kind of support we long for. Sometimes it’s because we don’t know what we need. Other times, we don’t know how to ask for it. This post explores both sides of co-regulation: how to receive support from others and how to show up as a calming, grounded presence yourself.
What Is Co-Regulation?
Self-regulation is an essential skill, but sometimes, we need another nervous system to help us settle.
Co-regulation is the way our nervous systems calm down in the presence of another safe, attuned nervous system. It’s why sitting next to a grounded friend or cuddling a pet can help you breathe easier, even if no one says a word.
But not every relationship feels safe or soothing, certainly not all the time. Sometimes being around others makes us feel more agitated or unsafe, not less. That’s why it’s important to get clear on what kind of support actually helps you and to practice asking for it in ways that others can hear.
Tuning Into Your Needs with Mindfulness
Before you can ask for the support you need, you first have to know what you’re feeling—and that’s not always easy. For many of us, tuning into our own needs can feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable, especially if we’ve spent years ignoring or minimizing them.
Mindfulness can help you begin to notice your internal signals—your emotions, body sensations, and energy levels—without judgment. It’s not about figuring everything out right away. It’s about pausing long enough to ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? What might I need?
This kind of awareness takes practice. And practice is the process.
You don’t need to get it perfect. The simple act of checking in with yourself, even briefly, is a meaningful step. Over time, it becomes easier to name what’s happening inside and to recognize the kind of co-regulation strategies that actually support you.
The more you practice being mindful of and naming what you need, the more likely you are to receive it.
Mindful Reflection Questions
Try sitting with one or two of these questions during a quiet moment or jot them down in a journal. The more you practice tuning in, the more clear and confident you’ll feel about naming your needs.
- What am I noticing in my body right now?
(Tension? Warmth? Numbness? A racing heart?) - What emotions are present for me right now?
(Is there a name for them, or just a felt sense?) - What do I need in this moment?
(Comfort? Space? Reassurance? To move? To rest?) - Is there a part of me that feels overwhelmed—or one that wants connection?
(Can you be with that part gently?) - What kind of support would feel nourishing right now?
(From myself or from someone else?)
How to Ask for What You Need
This work isn’t easy. Many of us were taught to ignore or shut down our needs or we learned through experience that expressing our needs wouldn’t be safe or welcomed. We often have decades of experience of not getting our needs met in relationships.
So if asking feels hard, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. This is tender and vulnerable work. If this is especially challenging for you, it is likely connected to core attachment wounds and relational trauma. Having professional support can make a big difference.
Whether you’re reaching out to a friend, partner, or therapist, it’s okay to start small. And it’s okay if it feels awkward at first.
One of the most powerful things you can do is ask for support in a clear and nervous-system-informed way. Here’s a chart to help you reframe how you ask:
Reframing Requests: Nervous-System-Informed Scripts for Co-Regulation
| If You Notice Yourself Saying… | Try This Instead | Why It Helps |
|---|---|---|
| “I’m fine.” (when you’re clearly not) | “I’m having a hard time. I don’t need advice—just someone to sit with me.” | Allows connection without pressure to fix or problem-solve. |
| “Can you fix this?” | “Can you just listen while I talk it through?” | Reduces overwhelm by creating space for expression without solutions. |
| “I don’t want to be alone.” | “Would you be willing to sit with me, even in silence?” | Encourages co-regulation through quiet presence. |
| “I feel so overwhelmed!” | “I’m feeling really activated. Can I talk while you help me stay grounded?” | Names the nervous system state and invites grounding support. |
| “Leave me alone.” (shutdown response) | “I don’t have energy to talk, but it helps to know you’re nearby.” | Maintains connection even during low-energy states. |
| [Nothing] (withdrawing completely) | “I don’t know what I need yet, but I’d like to stay connected.” | Validates uncertainty while preserving relationship safety. |
| “Let’s talk.” (when dysregulated) | “Can we check in once I’ve had time to regulate?” | Respects timing and nervous system readiness. |
| “Don’t worry about it.” | “I want to share something important, but I’m feeling a little nervous. Can you just listen?” | Builds safety for vulnerability and expression. |
| “I’m excited!” (without context) | “I’m feeling great today—can I share something I’m really happy about?” | Helps others attune to your nervous system state. |
Want help identifying your go-to co-regulation strategies and building a nervous system toolkit that actually works for you? Join my small group, Regulate & Restore. It’s a supportive space to build both inner tools and connection-based strategies. Contact me to join waitlist for next group. Join here →
After You Ask: Keep Tuning In
After you ask for what you need, take a moment to notice how that support feels in your body. Did the support land the way you hoped? Is there a small tweak that might help it feel even better?
This is all part of the practice—refining, adjusting, and continuing to listen to your nervous system in real time. Sometimes your needs will be clear and specific. Other times, you’ll discover them gradually through trial and reflection.
In the context of a safe, attuned relationship, it can be meaningful and empowering to explore together what feels most nourishing. This ongoing process of checking in and adjusting is a key part of building trust and co-regulation.
How This Fits into Your Coping Toolkit
When creating your personalized toolkit, consider not just what soothes you internally, but who helps you regulate—and how. Your list might include:
- People you trust to co-regulate with
- Scripts to help you ask for support
- Types of connection that feel nourishing when you’re low, anxious, or overwhelmed
How to Be a Good Co-Regulator for Others
And just as it takes intention to ask for what you need, it also takes care and presence to offer that kind of support to someone else. Let’s explore how practicing co-regulation strategies can help you show up as a steady, grounded presence in someone else’s storm.
Here’s how to show up as a calming, supportive presence:
Qualities of a Good Co-Regulator:
- Attuned: Notice the other person’s energy without trying to fix or change it.
- Calm: Ground yourself first. Your regulated state helps them feel safe.
- Nonjudgmental: Create space for whatever they’re feeling.
- Quietly Present: Sometimes your presence is more important than your words.
- Consent-based: Ask what kind of support they want instead of assuming.
- Collaborative: Ask for feedback and stay curious. What helps one moment might not the next. Invite them to tell you what feels just right for their nervous system.
Grounding Yourself First
To offer co-regulation, your own nervous system needs to feel reasonably settled.
Try:
- Taking a few deep breaths
- Grounding through your feet or sit bones
- Placing a hand on your chest or belly
- Reminding yourself: “I don’t need to fix this. Just be here.”
A Therapist’s Grounding Strategy:
When I feel myself getting dysregulated by something someone is sharing, my first step is to bring awareness to my breath and intentionally release tension I notice in my body. I also usually lean back in my chair and imagine pulling my energy back with me.
I remind myself that the most helpful thing I can do for the person I am with is keep myself regulated and present.
Then I often use grounding imagery. I imagine myself rooted deeply into the earth, supported from below. I also picture a sphere of protective light surrounding me, with supportive light pouring in from above. These visualizations help me stay present and resourced, even when holding space for something intense.
Things You Might Say to Support Someone:
- “I’m here. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
- “Would it help to talk, or would you rather just sit together?”
- “You don’t have to make sense of this right now. I’m staying with you.”
- “I’ve got time. Take your time.”
- “Would a grounding breath together feel helpful?”
Being a good co-regulator doesn’t mean having the perfect words. It means offering your presence in a way that says, “You’re not alone.”
Closing Thoughts
Co-regulation isn’t about weakness or dependency. It’s about connection.
Letting someone else help hold the weight for a moment allows your nervous system to breathe again. And showing up as that safe space for others is a powerful form of love.
Whether you’re learning to ask for support or becoming a steady presence for someone else, this is healing work. Keep going gently.
Want support practicing co-regulation and building your coping toolkit?
Join my small group Regulate & Restore and learn how to nurture both independence and connection. Contact me to join waitlist for next group. [Join here →]
