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The Struggle of Self-Reliance: Learning to Ask for Help When It Feels Like a Failure

In this post, I’m sharing a painful personal story about how extreme self-reliance kept me from asking for help when I needed it—and I’m offering practical steps to overcome this challenge.

A Painful Personal Experience

This isn’t an easy post to share because this week I was reminded of just how painfully close to home this issue can hit. But I believe that by sharing our vulnerability, we create a safe space for others to do the same. So here goes…

Last week, I hurt my back during a Body Pump class—a workout I’ve participated in for 20 years without injury. The pain was immediate and intense, but what surprised me just as much was my inability to ask for help when I needed it. Despite being surrounded by friendly faces and supportive peers, my ingrained self-reliance prevented me from reaching out. In that moment, the self-reliant parts of me insisted that I handle everything on my own, even as both pain and shame built inside me. I couldn’t overcome the belief that asking for help would be a burden—a notion that felt intolerable to this part of me.

With the class continuing on around me, I was trying to figure out how to put away all my equipment and just get to my car. A more vulnerable part of me wanted to ask someone to help put my things away. “It’s fine,” that part whispered, “the people around you would be happy to help.” But my self-reliant part shut that thought down, insisting, “Don’t disturb their workout. Don’t draw attention to yourself. You don’t want people to think you’re dramatic.”

I was experiencing an inner “polarization,” as we say in Internal Family Systems (IFS), a common dynamic where our inner parts take opposing sides. In this case, my self-reliant part overruled every other voice. I felt I had to manage on my own, even though every movement intensified my distress. Bending over, picking up weights—every step was painful. As I painstakingly put away one weight at a time, the physical pain was compounded by inner turmoil:

  • Shame: A part of me felt I didn’t deserve help and that I must not be a burden.
  • Helplessness: I was confronted with my deeply ingrained belief that I must handle everything on my own.
  • Self-judgment: “I’m a therapist. I help people with this exact issue. And here I am, not able to do it myself!” That was perhaps the worst part.

Reflecting on that moment, I realized that the struggle to ask for help isn’t just about physical pain—it’s a window into our inner beliefs about vulnerability and self-reliance. (Ugh—this part of me does not like being called out!)

The Benefits of Self-Reliance

Don’t get me wrong, self-reliance isn’t all bad.  It’s a core American ideal many of us were raised to emulate, often associated with independence and beliefs about taking responsibility for our own lives and success.  

There are many aspects of the self-reliant part of me that I greatly appreciate.  This part helps me work hard, be disciplined, and be a creative problem solver who faces challenges with determination rather than giving up.  Working through a challenge or persevering on our own can boost confidence and increase our sense of self-agency, which in turn makes our achievements even more satisfying.

Self-reliance is not a problem in itself. Sometimes, though, these parts become locked in extreme roles. Under the stress of my injury—and with fewer inner resources due to pain—the extreme version of my self-reliance showed up, preventing me from allowing help. And sometimes, we actually do need help. In this case, refusing to ask for help could have worsened my injury (thankfully, I don’t think that wasn’t the case).

The Hidden Costs of Extreme Self Reliance

Although self-reliance has many gifts, when it becomes extreme, it can come with significant costs:

  • Emotional Isolation: Believing that you must handle everything alone can lead to loneliness.
  • Increased Suffering: Avoiding help often means prolonging physical and emotional pain.
  • Perpetuating Shame: The notion that needing help is a weakness only reinforces self-critical beliefs.
  • Missed Opportunities for Connection: Asking for help can foster deeper relationships and mutual support.

How do you know when self-reliance has crossed the line into self-isolation?

Steps for Working With Self-Reliance

Overcoming the need to do everything on our own is challenging—but it’s a process that can lead to a more authentic and balanced life. Here are some steps to help you work with through the challenge of extreme self-reliance:

1. Recognize Your Patterns

  • Reflect on Your History: Notice when you tend to shut down and refuse help. Is this linked to childhood messages or past experiences? Growing up, what messages did you get about asking for help?  How has self-reliance been reinforced in your life? 

Example:  I am the youngest child of four.  There were times my needs and requests for help undoubtedly got lost amongst the noise of our large family.  This may have led to the belief that my needs are not important and that even if I ask, I may not be heard.  I also recall that my father disliked what he considered “dramatic” behavior.  I learned from a young age to be compliant and avoid making a scene.  These early messages taught me to be self-reliant and instilled fear that asking for help might be seen as weakness. All of this contributed to my decision to not ask for help when I needed it last week. 

  • Journal Your Experiences: Write about moments when you resisted asking for help and how that made you feel. Awareness is the first step to change.

2. Cultivate Self-Compassion

A glowing wire heart on a natural surface, symbolizing self-compassion and emotional warmth.

Often our self-reliant parts developed early in life.  We have the opportunity to “reparent” them by offering positive reframes with compassion—much like we would help a struggling child.  

  • Practice Kind Self-Talk: When you have thoughts like, “I should never need help,” consider positive affirmations, such as, “It’s okay to need support. I am human.”
  • Affirm Your Worth: Remind yourself that asking for help is an act of self-care and strength, not a sign of weakness.  

3. Challenge the Belief That You Must Do It All Alone

  • Experiment With Small Acts: Start by asking for help in low-stakes situations, like asking a friend for a ride or a colleague for input on a project.
  • Practice with Safe People: Let trusted individuals know that you’re working on being more open to help, and invite them to join you in that practice.
  • Celebrate Vulnerability: Notice that when you ask for help, the response is often kind and supportive. This helps break down the belief that vulnerability leads to rejection.

Example:  The day after my injury, I had to pass on a monthly lunch with friends because of my pain.  Since I couldn’t attend, one of my friends kindly offered to bring food to me.  That  act of support provided me with a corrective experience—a gentle reminder that accepting help can be both healing and affirming.

4. Seek Support in Your Community

  • Build a Network: Surround yourself with people who value openness and mutual support.
  • Accept Offers Graciously: When someone offers assistance, practice accepting it. Over time, this reinforces that sharing the load can lead to stronger connections and less stress.
  • Be a Non-Judgmental Helper: As we can help others without judging them as “less than” or needy in some way, we become more able to open to receiving help without judgement or shame.

How Therapy Can Help with Extreme Self Reliance

Therapy is a great place to get curious about your self-reliance parts.  I often use Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy to help my clients and myself understand these inner voices.  Here are some additional ways therapy can help:

  • Safe Exploration: We discuss past experiences where self-reliance has been both a strength and a source of pain, exploring the roots of these beliefs.
  • Explore Your Emotions: Together, we can discuss the feelings that arise when you consider asking for help. Understanding these emotions can help you work through them over time.
  • Experiential Exercises: Experiential exercises can help us get to know the inner landscape that keeps your from asking for and receiving support. Role-playing and guided imagery help you practice asking for help in a controlled setting, building confidence for real-world situations.
  • Mindfulness and Reflection: Mindfulness practices enable you to observe your internal dialogue and recognize when extreme self-reliance is taking over. This awareness creates space for a more supportive response.
  • Develop a Personal Action Plan: Identify specific instances where asking for help would benefit you, and create a step-by-step plan for how you might approach these situations.

By exploring these issues in therapy, you can gradually build a new relationship with vulnerability—one where asking for help is seen as a courageous act of self-love rather than a failure.

Asking for help is a courageous act of self-love.

Final Thoughts

The struggle with self-reliance is a deeply human experience. My experience in that Body Pump class reminded me that sometimes our strongest defense—being completely self-reliant—can leave us feeling isolated and overwhelmed. Learning to ask for help, while not easy for many of us, is a vital step toward healing and growth.

If you’re ready to explore these patterns and transform your relationship with self-reliance, I invite you to reach out.  Together, we can work on building a more balanced, connected, and compassionate approach to life.

Contact me today for a free 15-minute consultation, and let’s begin this journey toward embracing vulnerability and transforming self-reliance.

If you found this discussion on self-reliance insightful, you might also appreciate my previous post, From Perfectionism to Progress: A Therapist’s Personal Journey. It dives into similar themes of vulnerability and personal growth.

The Struggle of Self-Reliance: Learning to Ask for Help When It Feels Like a Failure

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From Perfectionism to Progress: A Therapist’s Personal Journey

Starting (Again) as a Mindful Blogger

A person sitting cross-legged in meditation at sunrise with mountains and a calm sea in the background, symbolizing mindfulness and serenity.

Welcome to my blog’s revival—I intend for it to be a space for authentic, helpful content rooted in my nearly 30 years of experience in the mental health field. Whether you’re a fellow therapist, Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), burnt-out achiever, or an empath seeking personal growth, I hope to share insights that resonate. Like many of you, I’m sensitive to the overwhelming noise of the internet, so my intention is to create content that feels grounding and valuable rather than adding to the clutter.

The word “revival” for this blog may be a stretch, since it was never more than a few randomly inspired posts. This time, I hope to be more consistent. But publicly committing to consistency makes me nervous because I honestly don’t know if I’ll follow through. Between my roles as a mom, psychotherapist, and transformational coach, my time and energy are already stretched thin. Even one post a month would feel like a HUGE success to me.

In this post, I share my personal process with revisiting blogging.  Even though I’m a therapist and have done lots of my own inner work, I still sometimes struggle with a lifelong theme of perfectionism, and it definitely showed up for me around this blog!  I’ll also share how I worked with my perfectionism with the hope that it can help you too.

The Challenge of Consistency, Overwhelm, and Procrastination

My process began with brainstorming ways to set myself up for success.  I knew consistency would be a struggle for me, so for months I considered creating a backlog of posts in advance—but I never sat down to write a word. Then, I fantasized about a solo writing retreat at a cozy beach house: long walks, the soothing sound of waves, and uninterrupted hours to pour out my thoughts. But that never happened either.

A stressed woman sitting at a desk with her head in her hands, surrounded by a laptop, planner, notebook, and phone, symbolizing perfectionism and overwhelm.

Next, I spent an evening making an extensive, categorized list of blog ideas. I scoured the internet for inspiration, questioning whether my themes would be helpful or if I even had anything valuable to say. By the end of the night, I felt completely overwhelmed and ready to give up—exactly the opposite of what I had hoped.

Recognizing My Perfectionism

The next morning, as I reflected on my process, I had a moment of clarity: my old, familiar friend, perfectionism, was here. Once I recognized it, I knew I could do something about it.

A notebook page with the handwritten question 'Am I good enough?' alongside a pencil and pen on a wooden desk.

Despite its name, perfectionism isn’t about being perfect. It’s about the constant feeling that nothing is ever good enough—that no matter how much you do, you could always do more. My perfectionist doesn’t believe I’ll ever be “perfect.” Instead, it keeps me stuck in cycles of overthinking, self-doubt, and inaction.

Perfectionism is almost always linked to the inner critic—that voice inside that questions your worth or tells you you’re not enough. My inner critic was whispering things like:

  • “Don’t embarrass yourself.”
  • “Do you really have anything valuable to add?”
  • “You’re not a good enough writer.”

These voices can be so automatic that we don’t even notice them. That’s exactly what happened to me. My perfectionism had disguised itself as “strategizing,” keeping me spinning in my head instead of taking action.

The Fear Under Perfectionism

When I paused and reflected, I saw the fear underneath my perfectionism. At its core, it wasn’t about doing things perfectly—it was about fear. Fear of being judged or criticized, of falling short, of not living up to the undefined standard I’d created in my mind.

The biggest barrier to me blogging consistently isn’t time management or the demands of being a working mom—although those are very real. It’s the perfectionistic drive to “do a good job” that can paralyze me. This is a cycle I’ve seen in myself and so many others: we strategize and procrastinate endlessly because starting feels vulnerable and risky.

Have you ever noticed perfectionism and fear of not being good enough holding YOU back from starting something new?

Moving Forward In a New Way

But here’s the good news: once we recognize perfectionism running the show, we can do something about it.   Awareness is the first step. To truly shift our relationship with perfectionism, we need to better understand it and create a new way of engaging with it.

Understanding Perfectionism and the Inner Critic with Mindfulness and IFS

As a psychotherapist for highly sensitive people, I know that mindfulness and authentic self-compassion are a game changer when it comes to healing and personal growth. If you’re struggling with perfectionism, it’s important to bring curiosity to this process, especially for those of us prone to overthinking and self-criticism.

An artistic representation of the mind with a glowing brain, vibrant energy waves, and colorful orbs, symbolizing inner thought processes and self-awareness.

One of the most effective ways I’ve found to address perfectionism and self-criticism is through Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. IFS is a model of therapy that views us as composed of parts led by a core Self, much like the Pixar movie Inside Out.   All parts of us are trying to support the larger system in some way, but sometimes they become locked in extreme roles. 

IFS helps us see our perfectionist and inner critic as parts of us, not all of us. Specifically, parts like the perfectionist and inner critic are protectors, trying to shield us from hurt, failure, rejection, or shame. Through IFS, we separate or “unblend” from these parts, recognizing they’re just one aspect of us—not the whole. By getting curious about them and approaching them with compassion, we can create more inner freedom.

This is exactly what I did once I recognized that my perfectionist had snuck in without me knowing it.  I actually felt great relief in that recognition.  Just recognizing a part has taken over interrupts the old pattern.  Once I realized what was happening, I could approach things differently.  

Approaching her with curiosity, I saw that she was trying to protect me from feeling foolish or hurt by criticism. Her intentions made sense, and when I met her with understanding and validated her efforts, she relaxed. That transformative moment of self-compassion gave me clarity and inspiration for this blog-revival post.

If you struggle with perfectionism or your inner critic, here are 6 mindfulness-based steps to try:

6 Steps to Quiet Your Inner Critic and Shift Out of Perfectionism

STEP 1: Interrupt the Pattern by Checking in to See if a Part of You is Activated

When you notice you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, give yourself a moment to pause and reflect. These feelings are often indicators that a part is taking over. Tune inside and see what’s present. Listen to your inner dialogue. Are the words critical? Is your inner critic telling you that you’re not good enough?

Sometimes the inner dialogue is loud and clear, and sometimes it’s more quiet and subtle.  Be patient and take time to tune in to what your inner parts are communicating. This is a skill that can take time to develop, so if it doesn’t come easily, know that it will strengthen with practice!

  • Try This:
  • Pause right now and think of a recent moment when you felt stuck or overwhelmed.
  • What was your inner dialogue like in that moment? If you don’t remember exactly, just imagine what it likely was.
  • Write it down to begin recognizing the voices that were present.

STEP 2: Acknowledge the Parts of You that are Present

Take a moment to recognize that this striving or critical part is present and needs attention. What might it feel like to pause and acknowledge your inner critic without judgment?  Using “parts language” can help, such as saying, “Oh, my inner critic is here,” or “My perfectionist part is taking over.” 

  • Try This:
  • Take Take a deep breath and say out loud, “My inner critic is here” or, “Oh, hello perfectionism.”
  • How does it feel to acknowledge this part of you?
  • Try naming it or
  • tuning into what this part might look like.

STEP 3: “Unblend” and Create Space

Once you recognize the part, create some distance from it. Deep breathing can help expand your sense of Self and remind you that this part is just one aspect of who you are, not the whole. Sometimes these parts are so big and so entrenched that it’s hard to do this on your own, but with practice it gets easier.

  • Try This:
  • Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Invite the part to feel the calmness of your breath.
  • Ask the part to give you some space. If it feels right visualize a boundary between you and the part.
  • Notice how yor body feels as you create this space.

STEP 4: Get Curious

See what you can notice about this part.  How does it show up in your body?  Ask this part of you: What are its concerns?  What are you afraid would happen if you don’t do what you’re doing?  Often, these parts are working hard to shield us from pain, rejection, or shame. Keep witnessing it with compassion, as you might a struggling friend.

  • Try This:
  • Ask your inner critic: “What are you afraid would happen if you weren’t here protecting me?”
  • Write down what comes up, even if it surprises you.

STEP 5: Practice Self-Compassion

If it feels possible, see if you can offer appreciation for this part and the ways it’s striving to support you and keep you safe. How might expressing gratitude to your inner critic shift your perspective on its protective role in your life? Ask it what it needs to relax. When these parts feel validated and supported, they often soften and trust the larger Self to take the lead.

  • Try This:
  • Place your hand over your heart and thank this part of you for its efforts to protect you.
  • What words of encouragement or kindness can you offer yourself in this moment?

STEP 6: Take Imperfect Action

Getting into action often takes some negotiation within our own system.  Sometimes we need to tend to younger, more vulnerable parts of us who have been hurt.  But we can start to move forward with small, bite-sized, doable steps.  Honor your courage. And remember that progress (not perfection) is worth celebrating.

  • Try This:
  • Think of one small action you’ve been putting off because it doesn’t feel “perfect” or fully ready.  It might be sending an email, drafting a paragraph, or trying a new recipe.
  • Set a timer for 10 minutes and give yourself permission to take the next step imperfectly.
  • Afterward, take a moment to reflect: How did it feel to take that step, even if it wasn’t perfect? 
How might things shift for you if you embraced this approach more often

Moving Forward with Compassion

Headshot of a Georgia online therapist specializing in internal family systems, and supporting therapists and highly sensitive people.
I’ve been working on this theme for a while! Here I am in a 2014 Brene Brown course on overcoming perfectionism.

For me today, the imperfect action is to share this blog entry, trusting that an imperfect post is better than silence.  I invite you to take your own imperfect action—what small step can you take today to feel better in some way? Could it be reaching out to a friend, spending a few minutes journaling, or taking a mindful walk?

As I’ve written this post and prepare to hit “publish,” my perfectionist and inner critic have been very close to the surface every step of the way.  They’re still very present, ever ready to step in and protect me from vulnerability. I’ve literally worked though the above steps time and again through this blog-writing process.  It’s not always neat and tidy.  It can be messy and hard and painful.  But it’s worth it!  

Lotus flower floating on calm water, symbolizing growth, resilience, and self-compassion.

Because I have taken time to be with my parts in a different way, these parts of me are giving me space to take action because they trust me.  I’ve built that trust by consistently showing up for them with curiosity and compassion. By listening to their fears, validating their efforts, and assuring them that I can handle vulnerability, I’ve helped them feel supported enough to step back, trust me, and let me lead. They feel heard and understood. They trust that I’ll take care of myself if someone says something mean or critical and that I’ll forgive myself if I’m not perfect in my consistency.

With each imperfect step forward, I remind myself—and encourage you—to celebrate the courage and progress it represents. Let’s honor each small victory as a meaningful step toward growth. Trusting that this blog, with all its imperfections is enough for now.

Imagine transforming your relationship with your inner critic and perfectionist. What might you accomplish if you were less afraid of messing up or being criticized?

Start Your Therapy Journey

These steps can help you create a more compassionate relationship with yourself and ease the grip of perfectionism. But navigating this journey on your own can feel overwhelming. Old patterns often take over without us realizing it, and an experienced therapist can help you identify and work with these patterns.  Support can make all the difference.

Headshot of a therapist specializing in internal family systems, and supporting therapists and highly sensitive people.

If you’re ready to take the next step, book your free 15-minute consultation today and start transforming your relationship with your inner critic. I offer in person and online counseling sessions in Georgia. Contact me at [email protected] to see if we’re a good fit.

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Wooing Inspiration

inspiration_signThe past few weeks I fell into a habit of playing games on my cell phone in my free time. “Just one quick game,” I’d tell myself. Then I’d find that I had been playing for thirty minutes, and now I’d lost the motivation and time to do anything else, so I’d just keep playing until bedtime. The next thing I knew I had quickly fallen into a nightly habit of zoning out that way, and I’d lost all inspiration for meaningful, purposeful action (or intentional inaction).

A few days ago, I listened to Mark Nepo’s audio program Holding Nothing Back while doing household chores. As I was listening, I immediately felt things shifting inside of me. It snapped me out of this going-through-the-motions rut I had been in and inspired me to live life more fully. Since then, I have been making more conscious choices about how I want to spend my time and energy.

I wish I could just decide to feel inspired and it would happen, but it doesn’t always work that way. We can’t force inspiration, but we can, as my dear friend and teacher Tobin Hart says, woo and welcome it, as happened to me with the audio program. We can cultivate the ground in which it grows. Below is a list of things that woo inspiration, creativity, and joy for me. It’s helpful to have a list so that when I get in a rut, I have multiple ways I can invite inspiration back in. I share it in the hopes that it will help you connect with what inspires you.

FAVORITE WAYS TO WOO INSPIRATION, CREATIVITY, AND JOY:

1. Listen to an inspiring audio program or podcast. There are many inspiring free programs available online and at the library. One of my favorites is Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist Tara Brach’s weekly dharma talk, which is accessible as a free podcast. I am also a Ted Talk junkie.
2. Music. Listen to music or, even better, make your own. Also helpful is listening to bilateral sounds that stimulate both hemispheres of the brain. This quickly helps me shift into a calmer, more whole-brained state, ripe for wooing creativity and joy.
3. Go outside. I especially love a walk in the woods, camping, and lake swimming. But when those things aren’t accessible, something as simple as sitting on my back porch or walking through my neighborhood help cultivate the ground for inspiration.
4. Move your body. Movement regulates blood flow in the brain, stimulating creativity. When I exercise with this intention in mind it helps even more. Some of my favorite kinds of movement are yoga, dancing, walking, swimming, and jogging.
5. Ask. Sometimes I just ask for inspiration, much like an intention or a prayer. I invite all parts of me to open to the creativity and joy that is already within me. Once I ask for inspiration, I let go and stay on the lookout for it, because I know it will be there if I am willing to receive it.
6. Play! I know I don’t play enough. I spend far too much time focused on my to-do list. But the truth is, in order to feel inspired and creative we need to play and for significant amounts of time. Play is so limited in my life that I know I would benefit from making an additional list of ways to play. That list might include speaking in silly voices, a dance party in my kitchen, board games that make me laugh, throwing a ball, hula hooping, stilt walking, laughter yoga, etc.
7. Journal. Having a place to express myself fully, even if self-expression means complaining about feeling completely uninspired in my life, helps me become more conscious of what is really going on. Often times processing my feelings, struggles, and experiences in writing gives rise to inspiration. Sometimes just giving it a voice helps it shift.
8. Meditate. Being still and quiet invites inspiration and creativity.
9. Spend time with someone inspirational. I’ve learned to pay close attention to how I feel after my encounters with different individuals in my life. When I am in a rut, it is a good idea for me to seek out the people with whom I tend to feel enlivened and inspired. And it’s better for me to avoid too much contact with individuals with whom our interactions leave me feeling depleted and uninspired, ready to head straight to bed with my cell phone game.
10. Make healthy food choices. When I eat a healthy diet of natural foods, I feel more alive in general. This helps with inspiration.
11. Say no to things that keep me feeling uninspired. There are certain things that I know do not in any way woo inspiration. For me that list might include too much screen time, too much busy-ness, junk food, inactivity, and certain relationships.
12. Psych-k ®. Psych-K is a set of “belief-change technologies” that rapidly shift limiting beliefs to more supportive ones. It can be used to address beliefs that may be limiting us from accessing inspiration, expressing creativity, and feeling joy.
13. Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT). EFT, or Tapping, involves tapping with your fingertips on meridian end points that are used in acupuncture and acupressure, and can be extremely effective at quickly reducing resistance to creativity, inspiration, and action.

I am always open to new ideas and reminders to help me live a more inspired life. I welcome you to share your ways of wooing inspiration below. 

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Practicing Self-Compassion

As a recovering perfectionist, I am intimately familiar with my inner critic and what it feels like to be hard on myself. I know I am not alone in this. Being kind and compassionate to ourselves just the way we are seems to be very difficult for many people. Fortunately, it is possible to make changes in the way we treat ourselves. In my own life, through mindfulness practices and psychotherapy, particularly Internal Family Systems therapy, I have learned to practice self-compassion and have felt liberated and transformed though the process. I still have regular encounters with my inner critic, but our relationship has shifted tremendously. I now understand that my inner critic is always trying to serve me and have negotiated more effective ways for that part of me to help. I have also found other ways to be kind to myself. And, cliché as it may be, I truly have much more to offer others when I am compassionate and kind to myself. Below are a few of the practices that I find helpful in the journey towards self-compassion.

Recognize. The first step is becoming aware of our pain and suffering. So much of the time, we are so disconnected from our emotions and inner experiences that we don’t even recognize the pain we are walking around with. Our unconscious pain may manifest as snapping at our loved ones, not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, or numbing out with internet, food, or alcohol. When we get stuck in self-criticism, self-loathing, or shame, it can be hard to see outside of that suffering. But as soon as we recognize we are in pain, we can do something about it.

Create space. If we can take time for a conscious pause and some conscious breathing, that can help create space inside and create a bit of distance around this part of us that is suffering and our bigger Self, who we really are. In Internal Family Systems, we talk about asking that suffering part to “unblend” or “separate” a bit from us, so we can see the whole of ourselves with more clarity.

Use the breath. We can use our breath as a tool to convey self-compassion. Imagine your breath carrying loving-kindness to your suffering. Let your inner parts feel the calmness that comes from breathing deep, slow breaths.

Touch. When we are suffering, we can give ourselves some soothing touch—put our hand on our heart or rub our own arm, just as we might soothe a suffering child. This simple act can be quite powerful. Our touch alone can convey so much care and compassion. As mammals, our nervous system is designed to respond positively to warm, soothing touch, even if it comes from our Self.

Talk to yourself. It may seem strange at first, but we can practice extending loving words of support and care to our suffering, just as we would talk to a child or close friend who was hurting. “I see that you’re really hurting. You’re really feeling a lot right now. And I’m here with you. I’m breathing here with you. Feel the calmness of the breath. Feel the love I am extending to you with the breath.”

Honoring inner needs. We can ask our pain, “What do you need from me right now?” Maybe this part of us needs a warm bath or permission to do nothing. Maybe some larger action is needed. Finding a way to respect and honor our inner needs is another act of self-care and compassion.

Going deeper. Often times, offering some self-soothing is enough. But sometimes more work is needed. Sometimes our inner parts have more they want us to understand about them. Journaling or talking to someone we trust about our thoughts and feelings can be a helpful way to explore our inner world.

Getting help. It is easy to get lost when navigating our inner world, and a skilled counselor can help guide us through this process. Psychotherapy is one of the best methods I know of to cultivate a sense of self-compassion.

Self-compassion is a practice that feeds on itself. The more we treat ourselves with kindness and care, the more we will want to continue doing so. However, changing our behavior is not easy. It’s helpful to be as gentle with ourselves as possible and know that we can always try again.

Kristin Neff: The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion – TED Talk

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Reflections on a Year of Shame Resilience Training

I was moved to tears the first time I watched Brene Brown’s first TED talk on the power of vulnerability. So moved that I felt strongly called to start teaching and working more directly with the concepts she talks about most—vulnerability and authenticity. Not long after watching that talk I began facilitating groups based on her Connections curriculum, which helps participants enhance authentic living as a foundation for shame resilience. Over the past year, I have facilitated the Brene Brown Connections curriculum five times in various settings, including my private counseling practice, the University of West Georgia counseling center, and as a workshop for therapists. Richard Bach says, “You teach best what you most need to learn,” and as a facilitator, immersing myself in this work has been immensely beneficial to me personally. Below are a few things that have been most impactful for me from this shame-resilience work.

Shame is universal. That statement alone is empowering. When I feel shame, I often feel alone in it. This realization helps me remember that I am not the only one who has thought there must be something wrong with me or, as Brene Brown defines shame, had that intensely painful feeling or experience that I am flawed and therefore unworthy of connection or belonging. Everyone has felt that feeling. It’s part of the human experience.

Developing mindfulness around shame. Part of the curriculum involves learning to recognize shame when we’re in it. How does shame show up in our bodies? What do we tell ourselves when we’re in shame? Developing more mindfulness about my personal experience of shame has been very empowering. I like to think of myself as a self-aware person, attuned to my feelings, my body, and my thoughts. But, over the past year I have discovered that shame is one of those feelings that can sneak up me and hijack me pretty quickly if I’m not mindful about it. This shame resilience work has helped me become more aware of the earliest signs of shame, so that I can recognize it and do something about it. Since I have begun facilitating this curriculum and developing my own shame resilience, I have become aware that undercurrents of shame are much more prevalent than I previously realized, in both myself and others.

Recognizing vulnerabilities and triggers. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit it, but one of the things I’ve become aware of through this process is how much energy I can put into what other people think of me. I was a bit surprised by this, as I have prided myself in the past on being independent and not letting society’s expectations or other people’s opinions get in the way of how I live my life. But through the process of some of the exercises in this curriculum, I have discovered that my desire to be seen a certain way has an impact on the choices I make in many areas of my life. And, even more surprising, I realized that at times I put more psychological energy into impressing people I don’t even really know (and who may not even exist) than attending to the relationships I care about the most. This realization helps me to shift my focus and intention to the relationships that matter the most to me.

The antidote to shame. One of the biggest shift in me personally as a result of this work is that I have begun actively and quickly applying what Brene teaches as the antidote to shame–compassion and empathy. Silence feeds shame, and empathy and compassion transform it. So, once I recognize shame, in order to shift it, I must get some compassion and empathy. I can get that from myself, through sending myself some loving kindness and speaking gentle, assuring words to myself. And, I can also practice reaching out and sharing my experience with someone I trust. I am eternally grateful that I have some extraordinary, compassionate, skillful listeners in my life. And I know that not everyone has that. One of the things I love about this work is the focus on learning how to recognize and ask for what we want and need in order to create more supportive relationships in our lives. And that can take time and practice. So, sometimes we may be best served if we get our compassion and empathy from a professional. Counselors are trained at offering empathy and can also help us learn to connect with our own self-compassion. Being in a group focused on this theme is also a beneficial way to feel the shared humanity and get support with issues related to shame, vulnerability, and authenticity. It doesn’t really matter where we get it, but remembering and acting on the idea that empathy and compassion, including self-compassion, are the best ways to transform shame has definitely deepened my own path towards living with more authenticity. I have found this to be an incredibly healing and relatively fast-acting antidote to the most painful emotions, including shame.

Authenticity is a daily practice. I love the idea of authenticity being a practice. We’re not always perfect at it, but every moment is another opportunity to practice. Maybe what excited me most about Brene Brown’s first TED talk was when she said that vulnerability appears to be the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love. The days I believe this, I am more motivated to take risks and let myself be vulnerable. But often it feels more like an act of faith than a true knowing. I’m hoping and praying that if I choose authenticity it will lead to deeper joy, but many times I’m scared I’m going to fall on my face in front of a crowd. One of the biggest gifts of facilitating this work has been witnessing group members share their authentic moments and seeing the joy and courage that develops from that daily practice. Over and over again, as I see others choose authenticity and I choose it in my own life, the more data I am amassing in favor of her statement, and I seem to be developing an embodied knowing that it’s true —vulnerability truly is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love.