I recently met someone who told me she was not a fan of therapy.
She had opened up to a therapist years ago about painful memories from her past that were very hard for her to talk about. She told me that at the end of the session, just as she was still raw and emotional, the therapist glanced at her watch and said, “Well, we’re out of time.” Then she ended the session abruptly.
That experience made this person swear off therapy entirely, saying it did more harm than good. She said it felt cold, even cruel, and she has since warned her friends not to go to therapy either.
Sadly, I understand this reaction. I’ve heard similar stories from people who have felt unseen, pushed, or dismissed by helping professionals. I believe that moments like this aren’t just unfortunate. They can actually feel like a kind of violence toward the client’s nervous system.
What Does “Violence” Mean in a Therapy Context?
When I talk about violence in therapy, I don’t mean physical harm. I mean the subtle but real ways a client can feel invaded, disregarded, or emotionally unsafe.
Unfortunately, many therapists are not deeply trained in things like pacing, attunement, tone of voice, or how to work respectfully with a client’s protective system (defenses). Too often, the focus in therapy training is on diagnosing, analyzing, or managing symptoms, rather than creating the conditions for true safety, connection, and healing.
The Principle of Nonviolent Therapy: Honoring the Wisdom of the Client’s System
In Hakomi therapy, a mindfulness based somatic therapy, one of the core principles is nonviolence.
Nonviolence in therapy means working in ways that honor the wisdom of the client’s system. Not forcing, not pushing, not “doing to,” but rather being with.
In practice, this might look like:
- Slowing down the pace of exploration so that the client stays within their window of tolerance.
- Respecting readiness — not encouraging someone to open painful memories before they feel safe enough to do so.
- Leaving time for integration at the end of sessions, so the client does not feel overly open or vulnerable before leaving.
- Checking in about how it feels to share something vulnerable and what support might be needed afterward.
When therapy is nonviolent, clients can unfold naturally, at their own pace, without re-traumatization or overwhelm.
Why Nonviolent Therapy Matters: How Subtle Violence Can Show Up in Sessions
Even well-meaning therapists can unknowingly create experiences that feel unsafe. Here are a few examples and what a nonviolent alternative can look like.
1. Feeling Controlled or Forced
No one wants to feel pushed, analyzed, or “worked on.” Subtle pressure, even in the form of too-direct questioning or “challenging” before trust is built, can feel invasive.
A nonviolent alternative: honoring the client’s “no.”
In my practice, I often say, “Let’s start at the outer layers.” We don’t need to rush straight into the hardest material. When clients feel safe, defenses naturally soften. I trust that our protective parts exist for a reason, and we can learn from them rather than push through them.
In therapy, slow is fast.
2. Feeling the Therapist Has an Agenda
Therapy isn’t about the therapist’s goals for you. It’s about your process. When a therapist pushes an agenda, even one that seems positive (“You should forgive them” or “You need to do more self-care”), it can feel invalidating or controlling.
A nonviolent alternative: the therapist trusts your innate wisdom and healing capacity.
The therapist can offer reflections or suggestions with an open hand, unattached to the outcome, so you can stay connected to your own internal guidance.
3. Feeling Unsafe in the Environment
If your therapist appears distracted, glances at the clock, or doesn’t attune to your pace or emotional tone, it can feel jarring or even re-traumatizing.
Healing only happens when your nervous system feels safe.
A nonviolent alternative: a therapist who is present, attuned, and mindful of pacing.
Tone of voice, body language, and rhythm all matter. The therapist’s presence can either regulate or dysregulate a client’s nervous system, which is why attunement is at the heart of trauma-informed care.
The Heart of Nonviolent Therapy: Safety, Presence, and True Healing
If you’ve ever had an experience in therapy that felt abrupt, unsafe, or dismissive, please know it doesn’t have to be that way.
Therapy done with gentleness, mindfulness, and nonviolence can be deeply reparative. You deserve a therapeutic relationship where your system feels safe enough to open, explore, and heal at its own pace.
An Invitation
If you’re curious about trauma-informed, somatic, and nonviolent approaches to therapy, I’d be honored to help you reconnect with your sense of safety and self. Learn more about my approach to therapy here. I offer in person sessions in Carrollton, GA and virtual sessions for people in Georgia.
Contact me to schedule a free consultation to see if we are a good fit.
